Wrapping Up Loose Ends - and Fraying Some New Ones

It looks kind of bad that my last posting was four months ago but I guess that's what happens over finals and the summer. I'll recap my last four months in a few thousand words.

I went through the most intensive preparation for exams that I have ever had to go through. All of my classes we're a lot of fun and I learned a tremendous amount about aspects of the world that really interest me. I wrote three final papers (one in a group). For international law I wrote about the viability of independent ethnic enclaves instead of federal states with tenuous balances between minority rights and unified government. For California politics my group wrote a paper on the governor's proposal to shift state employees to a defined contribution retirement plan and its short term and long term implications, etc. For Vietnamese history I wrote about the Vietnam War's legacy on the Vietnamese diaspora in Australian and the US and these two groups' differences.

When all of the exams and papers were over I stumbled out of school, as John Darnielle puts it, like a hostage out of a hijacked plane. I went home to nurse my wounds. During the end of the semester me and my girlfriend of many years went our separate ways. For the first time in about five years I felt like I was alone in the world once again. In retrospect, breaking up was the best thing for each of us - and I have no regrets at this point - but it was a very difficult time in my life. I was blessed with emotional and physical freedom for the first time in years, but only at the cost of losing my best friend and lover. A tough trade off. As per her request we didn't talk after deciding to break up. I didn't like the idea but I couldn't exactly force her to talk with me. Since breaking up we've exchanged a few emails but they sound forced on her end and I try to remain cautious and circumspect in my correspondence with her. We broke up on favorable circumstances but only after three years of trying to sustain a long distance relationship had sapped the love and energy from my heart. I don't know if there's a future for us ... but I don't think there's one for us unless we both change as people. I need more confidence in myself and I need to learn not to take for granted those that I love. My feeling is that she may need to better manage the way that her emotions affect her own life and those around her. I guess that last thing I can say about our ill-fated relationship is that we had become very different people by the end of our relationship compared to the people that we were at the beginning, which tells me that we may change in the future and our paths might someday cross again, hopefully with better results.

I tried to relax for a few weeks before going back to the job that I quit and the beginning of the spring semester. I was getting slightly depressed with no real way to spend my time, and more importantly I was dirt poor and living off of the goodwill of my parents. I worked for a few weeks and then my mother convinced me to go on a three week seminar in Kiljava, Finland that would get me back in touch with my Finnish roots. The program was run out of a hotel outside of Helsinki that is owned by the largest union in Finland. Every summer, about thirty young people of Finnish descent come from all over the world to attend lectures on Finnish culture, learn Finnish language and be Finnish together. I met a number of incredible people from all over the world and had a great time being Finnish. My understanding of the language improved slightly but I do feel that I understand the country and the people more than before the program.

Following the Kiljava seminar I came home for a week to work again. Then I flew to Colorado to visit my grandparents and my father who had moved to Colorado for a jab just a few months later. I spent a lot of that weekend driving around the state with my dad. We saw a lot of beautiful places. I even got to see the molybdenum mine where he worked as a miner when he was in his twenties.

When I got back to the Bay Area I had only a couple of weeks left before I was set to depart for a semester in Vietnam. I've always wanted to get out of the Bay Area since I've lived there continuously for the last 21 years. College was my best opportunity to get out but I passed it up on the basis of money and the comfort of being closer to home. Since then I've kicked myself for not going to U Chicago or UCLA. My life would have been very different if I'd taken either of those opportunities. So I felt that studying abroad would be the best option for me to get out and really get to know another part of the world. I've always been interested in Southeast Asia and Vietnam is one of the only options in SE Asia that we have through the UC education abroad program. Singapore is too expensive for my tastes and Thailand didn't have the same relevance to my interest in American history and political science as Vietnam does.

The paperwork and bureaucracy were absolutely mind numbing but I got it all of my ducks in a row to come out here. Those last couple of weeks were crazy with running around and getting vaccinations, paying for my ticket at the last minute, getting my visa at the last minute and the whole thing. On the last day I had a gathering with some friends at my generous friend Oscar's house. Everyone came to see me off and off I went with my buddies John and Jim to the airport. My mom even came out to say goodbye.

As the 747 lifted off the ground I could feel my life changing. My summer had been a great one, despite my break-up with the ex. I made friends from all over the world and had a great time in Finland. Me and my friend Zoe became regulars at a local pub in Kensington. I played poker with some of my best buddies from college and high school. And I met a few wonderful ladies along the way. It couldn't have been a better summer.

But it was the last summer of my adolescence. By cutting ties with my girlfriend I had closed the door on the last thing that was really tying me to the past - childhood, being a teen, high school. Symbolically, they started tearing down my high school just before I left for Vietnam. They said that it was seismically unsafe and that new facilities were needed. My adolescence was being torn down figuratively and literally.

Coming to Vietnam to study is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. As college comes to an end, I am finally letting go of high school and ready to face becoming an adult. Within the next few months I have to get a job or at least figure out what I am going to do after college. I hate to be melodramatic but I am at a junction in the road where I can't go ack and I have no idea which way is "the right way". Maybe that's it - there is no right way. That's the most exciting and anxiety producing part of this period in a young person's life; there are no road maps, no gas station attendants, no mom and pop convenience stores - there's only you and the wide open road.